Spare Room Be our guest…

Sick of reading my own opinions, I solicited a bit of “hate mail” from the cynics in my address book. Some relished the opportunity to procrastinate at work (and vent), others had lives and didn’t reply. I asked them what they hated and here’s what they said:

People who believe they’re not a racist - Deep down everyone one is. So let’s be honest about it. I’m a coconut-hori-honky, with a little sausage (Swiss & German) and a bit of Anglo thrown in. It exists in all races, the sooner we can laugh out loud about it the better.

Brazilian Waxing - Why put yourself through that? What guy is going to come home with you, get into bed, fumble with the bra strap, and finally get your knickers off, only to say, “I’m sorry – I can’t. You have hair.”)

Lawn mowing - Awful at any time, but the cacophony and exhaust fug first thing Sunday morning makes me want to bury landmines in the neighbours’ lawns.

Women who say, “men are this… [insert gender cliché here] and then bang on about how they’re a feminist. Happens fifty million times a day from stupid bints who say they’re feminists, who’ve read less feminist literature than me and who get all fluttery when some beefcake oinks about rugby.

People who call anything a journey

Marketing madness - a change of shirt for the sports team is one pathetic excuse for a launch party.

American reality makeover shows that push the plastic-fantastic look - I’ve never met a man who really stays with a woman for her tits. Men like strong women. Funny women. Smart women.

Creationists - Bring back the dark ages.

Intergenerational moaners – As in…“In my day no one had sex until we were forty, and we held hands and drank lemonade under the sycamore tree.” How people try and make out that their generation was as pure as the driven snow. Nope, we are all humans & we all are evil.

People who are obviously much younger than me complaining about how they’re getting older

Stay-at-home mothers (with superiority complexes) - mostly because I’m not one and I think they are judging me.

Guilt – see above.

Bald headed middle management - Because they talk outta their bums and live up to what they really are: Parasites.

People who bang on endlessly about their property values (still).

Fartcans and mag wheels - Family cars are meant to be boring and quiet. There’s nothing you can do about that. Adding noisy fartcans and huge mag wheels just transfers the car’s dullness to the driver.

People who assume that the phrase “blah blah blah” satisfactorily fills in any missing information from a story they are telling.

Eggs - Chickens’ periods.

The well-to-do (especially the single and childless, or that bint on the Amway ads) telling us with an unquestioning conviction that “Life is just sooo stressful these days” – more stressful than begging on the streets of Mumbai or K’ Rd? More stressful than being a single parent raising three pre-schoolers? More stressful than subsistence farming in…?

Pre-Teen stores that sell thongs - with four leaf clovers on them to 12 year olds. (Feeling lucky? Is anyone supposed to be getting lucky with 12 year old girls? And why oh why would she need a thong?)

Over sized marketing budgets – companies who spend millions on marketing (with CGI bonking mayflies or American Bagel sellers) telling you how technologically savvy they are but continually stuff up the implementation and delivery of the promised services – if only they would spend a tenth of their marketing budget on making sure they could actually do what they promise.

Any column inside the glossy magazine supplements that come with the weekend papers

The smug voice over in TV dramas – leaving nothing to the viewer’s imagination.

Post-feminists – who actually think pole dancing for a room full of guys is an act of female sexual liberation that will get more respect from our male peers.

Motorists who don’t indicate - they expect you to read their minds (even harder when one’s on a bike and one’s own life is constantly threatened by said fools. . . I could go on for a while in a similar vein regarding being a cyclist: motorists who cruise by and miss wiping ya out by a foot, jerks who use bus/cycle lanes, crazy old men who walk in bike lanes…)

Unsolicited emails – particularly from lazy spent blogger friends asking me to do their thinking for them.

You’ve probably got a better one… if so, add it to the comments below.