Spare Room Be our guest…

French Elbow responds to a reader’s letter about an on-off, on-off again relationship. Excerpt below…

“…How do you start fishing again after such a hectic ride? How do you take the bad parts of something so silly and make it into something good? I know I have been put through the ringer and let him. I know that he probably feels the same, but how do you make the need to go back stop!!!!”

Well Kerry, where does one begin? When we sought out readers to ask for advice on their love life, I really didn’t plan on receiving a question like yours. It was 1,506 words long. I simply can’t wait til the hardcover edition comes out. I have a feeling it was more important for you to write out those words than it was for me to read them. Ordinarily we would publish your question prior to my reply, in this case however, our legal team have informed me that we can’t. Not because of any copyright conflicts, but purely because we can’t afford the lawsuits from readers who have broken their scrolling finger. To that end, I’ll point out the one thing that stood out from your writing. Although when I say the one thing, it really should be the 17 things.

In your question, you used one word 17 times. “AGAIN”

Again just kept coming up… well… again and again. He dumped you AGAIN. You got back with him AGAIN. Your life is like a warped version of The Lion King. Only Elton John would be belting out a song about the circle of lies, not the circle of life. I’m also assuming your world has slightly fewer camp meerkats.

Let’s just get straight to the point. I’m afraid that you have an addiction. It’s not drugs, it’s (probably) not alcohol, it’s him. Like all addictions, the hardest part is admitting that you have one. Because it means the one thing you look forward to is also the one thing that crushes you. The other terrifying concept is that your addiction protects you. Right now you can live in the morbid safety of your addiction. If you leave him for good, then you can no longer blame him. You’re on your own. No more can you say that he is holding you back in life, because it will all come down to you. It’s bloody scary.

Relationship addictions are somewhat akin to a video casette. The first time you pop it into your VCR everything is clear. In fact, the picture has never looked better. But when it’s all over and done with and you tear that tape out, it gets a little more worn. After that, each time you try to play it, that original image, that beautiful picture – fades. As I see it, you’re trying to get back to that first clear picture, but all you’ll see is the dancing snow of demagnetised love. Yes it’s a nerdy analogy. I could have gone down the whole “he’s like a drug – quit him” but needles give me the willies.

In the end, it’s up to you. You can choose to go through the pain once more, or you can try to find something greater. My question to you is do you want “AGAIN” or “A GAIN”?

French Elbow is happy to answer your love-life questions, as long as they don’t involve bungy cords or Spider-Man costumes. Send your letters of love and despair to with ‘Plenty More Fish’ in the subject line.

French Elbow also keeps a humorous blog about office life called ‘Dead under Fluorescent Lights’. Read it here

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