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The Expendables Directed by Sylvester Stallone. Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Terry Crews, Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin, Randy Couture. Rated R16: Graphic violence

How we laughed. I’m not a huge fan of Sly Stallone, half the time I can’t understand his lines and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone there. That said, he’s relatively articulate in this shit-kicker of an action film about a crack team of mercenaries.

The Expendables — with a name like that it’s as if they’re willing the mission to fail — are played by Stallone, Jason (The Transporter) Statham and a few others including Terry Crews from TV’s Everybody Hates Chris and martial arts film star Jet Li. Then there’s Stallone’s old sparring pal Dolph Lundgren, also a mercenary, except he’s working for the other guys.

Rounding out the cast is Mickey Rourke, who runs a tattoo parlour and motorcycle shop where the guys hang out between missions. Rourke, looking like he’s just stepped in from the set of Iron Man 2, delivers the best performance and makes the most out of some pretty hammy lines.

The assignment is handed to them from cameo stars Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger (they’re on screen for at least two minutes) and it’s assumed that they are working for a government agency, probably the CIA. What’s that? A job too dirty for the CIA? Send in The Expendables, who are comforted in the knowledge that this time at least, they’re fighting for freedom and democracy.

So it’s straight into the plot — well, the token appearance of something almost plot-like — that sees the team invading a fictitious island in the Gulf of Mexico to overthrow a military dictatorship. They meet a hot babe (Giselle Itié), who happens to be the General’s daughter, and another villain, played by Eric Roberts.

There are some totally outlandish action sequences, including an aerial attack or two in The Expendables’ very own bat-mobile equivalent, a well-armed seaplane. It’ll come as no surprise that there are also plenty of explosions where the heroes escape fireballs by the skin of their teeth.

As far as action films go, this one’s firmly in the 1980s, and not just due to the mature age stars. We can all give thanks that Stallone, now 64, didn’t end up with the babe. That would have been way too inappropriate.

The Expendables is supposed to be celebrating and to a certain extent parodying the 1980s action genre. It’s just not smart enough, knowing enough or ironic enough to pull it off, let alone justify an ongoing series of films based on this thin premise, which probably owes a debt to war comics along the lines of Marvel’s Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandos. A reference-heavy director like Quentin Tarantino could probably do a far better job, but that’s hardly going to happen in a Stallone franchise. Sly would have too much dialogue for a start.

The fact remains though, this film is a box office success story already — it opened at number one in the USA, UK and China — and several days ago, Stallone, obviously pumped with pride instead of steroids for a change, tweeted this: ““Had dinner with Bruce Willis last night. I want him in EXPENDABLES II as a super villain. What do you think?”. So don’t be too surprised if (shudder) there’s a sequel. I’m laughing already.

Video: Trailer for The Expendables