Spare Room » Opinion

The Outlaw Pages: Global Yawning and Copen-Badly

Steven Shaw — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 03:06:52 +0000

By Kirk MacGibbon

I have the very great pleasure of owning a BMW 850. It’s getting on a bit now, 1991, and starting to show a few signs of wear and tear, of having taken a few knocks in life – a bit like its owner I guess – but it is a truly beautiful, classic car. To the uninitiated these cars sold, new, for around $270,000. Doug Myers had one. It was BMW's answer to Ferrari and Porsche, but I can only assume they somehow misinterpreted the question being asked, because at around 4000lbs the five litre V12 engine takes a very pedestrian 6.8 seconds to get from 0-100km/hr. Still, getting from 100-160km/hr is an altogether different story and represents a clear and present danger to any driver's licence...

How Do You Sleep?

Ana Samways — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:18:35 +0000

[UPDATED!] The above images are of a a high-end Orla Kiely designed duvet set (left) and a Republic Revolution “Glendhu Bay” duvet set (right). Similar huh? Republic Revolution is a designer homeware brand for The Warehouse, procured by Peter Reid and Graham Dickie, who run Ponsonby Road retailer Republic Home and appear on various television makeover shows...

Outlaw pages – Honeymoons and Party Games

The Outlaw — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 05:04:56 +0000

By Kirk MacGibbon

There’s been a lot written lately about the remarkable Mr Key. It's now been one year or thereabouts, since the election and the media are big on anniversaries. We’ve also heard lots about National’s honeymoon and how long it’s lasted. That’s rubbish. To still talk of a honeymoon would be to suggest that the period is only brought to an end when poll ratings dip or the media decide they no longer ‘like’ the Government. National is not still on its honeymoon. Far more mundane, they’ve quickly settled into married life. It’s really only John ‘Al Bundy’ Key and the children that are attracting attention with their shouting and posturing...

The Outlaw Pages – The Scarecrow and Mrs King Go To Sydney

Steven Shaw — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 23:35:42 +0000

By Kirk MacGibbon

Is the silly season starting early? Funny how a commentary on my dislike of Rodney Hide in my last epistle ends up segueing nicely into an opening paragraph about his new mission on behalf of our faithful canine brothers. Apparently, they’ve got it a bit tough. While I think Rodney has well and truly gone barking over this one, I guess he must be given credit for inadvertently giving us an answer to that age-old question as to ‘Who let the dogs out?’ Rodney did, folks. What a git...

The Outlaw Pages — Hide and Sneak

Steven Shaw — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 02:40:09 +0000

By Kirk MacGibbon

To tell the truth, I’ve never much liked Act leader Rodney Hide. He comes across as a smug little bastard with an overly developed sense of his own importance. I agree that this label could be attached to probably 90 per cent of MPs, but at least none of them attempted to turn a yellow pastel blazer into some sort of election statement. Fashion crimes aside, there are a whole lot of reasons for my dislike of the Member from Epsom...

Plenty More Fish – Date Fast Die Young

Ana Samways — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 04:17:58 +0000

“But if you're looking for fast love, fast love in your eyes. It's more than enough.Had some bad love, some fast love is all that I’ve got on my mind" – George Michael (fast love) I was spending a quiet Friday at my mate Dan’s house. We were sharing a jazz cigarette on his verandah and lamenting the lack of girls in our lives. It had been a bit rough of late. My life had become a pornographic film, except that I had been skipping through the sex scenes and just watching the so-called plot. Dan casually mentioned that he had a sort of date lined up on the following Wednesday. When I asked what he meant by sort of, he told me he’d found a way to meet women that was like changing the channels on your television. I was both lazy and intrigued...

Outlaw Pages — Do As I Say, Not As I Do

The Outlaw — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 21:39:04 +0000

By Kirk MacGibbon

If there is one expression I absolutely hate, it is ‘Do as I say, not as I do’. It was the last-gasp, dictatorial pronouncement of the parent caught pants-deep in hypocrisy. And so it has proved to be with the paternalistic, condescending gaggle of ordinariness that comprises the National party. Finance Minister Bill English might as well have resorted to the expression instead of attempting his pathetic ‘I’ve got more important things to do’ comment when questioned about his machinations to claim an increased housing allowance...

The World’s First Breastfeeding Doll

Ana Samways — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 21:26:51 +0000

I am all for breastfeeding – in public, in private, on a train, in the rain, with a fox, in a box…but this is just odd. A Spanish toymaker has made " Baby", the world's first-ever breastfeeding simulator, er…doll, designed specifically to promote the 'breast is best' message. The doll comes with a special cropped halter top – with two daisies to symbolise nipples - that little girls wear while they pretend to breastfeed. The doll allegedly makes sucking noises when lifted to the daisies.

The Outlaw Pages – Chief Justices and the Fine Art of Tory Baiting

The Outlaw — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 11:37:48 +0000

By Kirk MacGibbon

I was intrigued by Chief Justice Sian Elias’s floating of the idea of using prisoner amnesties as a mechanism to reduce our prison population – and not just because this particular Chief Justice was one of the more controversial judicial appointments of recent times. That she would not have been appointed to her position by the Nats is axiomatic (ha! I’ve waited 30 years to get that word into a sentence ever since hearing Hawaii 5-Oh!’s Danno use it sent me scurrying for a dictionary)...

The Latest Citizens Initiated Referendum…

Ana Samways — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 05:46:31 +0000

A Facebook group parodying the phrasing of the smacking referendum revealed the idiocity of the question nicely. The best included: 1) Should P manufacturing, as part of good entrepreneurship, be a criminal offence? 2) Should rape, as part of a good date, be a criminal offence? 3) Are you opposed to free icecream, and a little bit of genocide? A referendum ad generating site dedicated to the parody of the smacking referendum question has created over 2500 billboards. And now, this truly biting, topical satire...

The Outlaw Pages — The Ghost of Thrashings Past

The Outlaw — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 06:09:52 +0000

By Kirk MacGibbon

These are weird times, and not just because the King of Weird, Michael Jackson decided to confound everyone and moonwalk off this mortal coil. The King of Pop was almost immediately joined by the 70s Queen of Popular Culture, and the most famous angel of them all, Farrah Fawcett. Apparently she was only with Charlie for a single season, but it was enough – that and a red one-piece bathing suit was all it took. Take note, Paris Hilton. Farrah succumbed to cancer. I believe it was cancer of the rectum, which you don’t hear much about, thankfully...

Plenty More Fish — Too Young Love

French Elbow — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 22:52:01 +0000

"Young love so strong has never been a part of me, young love hold on we're feeling it now, is this the way it's meant to be?" - Air Supply I jerked awake, there was a familiar digital scream emanating from the other side of the room. I made my best effort to sit up, but I hit the top of my head on a hangover. I immediately sank back down on to the bed, retreating from the reverberating pain in my head bits. I figured that if I lay motionless, my headache would get bored and wander off in search of something else to do. Experience has taught me that this tactic never works, and my phone continually ringing only helped to make up my mind. I had to stop the phone and drink some water as soon as possible. I slid along my bed and on to the floor, resembling a slightly retarded salamander, and fished my phone out of my bra. I placed it to my head and said "hel-hang on MY bra?"...

Plenty More Fish — A Reader Writes

French Elbow — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 23:30:45 +0000

French Elbow responds to a reader's letter about an on-off, on-off again relationship. Excerpt below...

"...How do you start fishing again after such a hectic ride? How do you take the bad parts of something so silly and make it into something good? I know I have been put through the ringer and let him. I know that he probably feels the same, but how do you make the need to go back stop!!!!"

Well Kerry, where does one begin? When we sought out readers to ask for advice on their love life, I really didn’t plan on receiving a question like yours. It was 1,506 words long. I simply can’t wait til the hardcover edition comes out...

The Outlaw Pages — One Man’s Folly

The Outlaw — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 05:06:14 +0000

By Kirk MacGibbon

Poor old Richard Worth. First, he gets sacked for unsuccessfully chasing a piece of crumpet. It has to be said though, one pretty hot, exotic piece of crumpet indeed. Given her choice of husband, and his conviction on immigration fraud charges indicating at least a predilection on her part for making poor choices, you’d have to say that unWorthy must have fancied his chances. His critical error appears to have been not checking out her political affiliations first, and of course not recognising the inherent risk in putting his purile little thoughts into texts...

The Outlaw Pages — The Age of Insulationism

The Outlaw — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 23:16:36 +0000

By Kirk MacGibbon

So here’s what I reckon about Bill English’s ‘Bill-ya-later’ budget. If nothing else, and make no mistake about this, the budget was a spineless and simpering effort that drove a stake through the heart of New Zealand Superannuation as a universal benefit available to everyone from age of 65...